Thank you from a little momma!

I saw something today. Something that made me cry! And frankly, that's hard to do. I usually don't cry when things are bad, but rather when they are good, or when I'm "touched" by something. That was the case today as I was walking down the hall at church. I go to an great relevant church with all the bells and whistles and that come with a contemporary 1000+ member church. We've got great preaching, great worship, great outreach, and great programs. I love my church.

But it wasn't any of those that struck a chord in my heart today. I passed by a little classroom where I could hear the chatter and laughter of women; women from different generations and different walks of life gather there. And right outside their door was a little portable baby bed. There wasn't even a baby in it, but it was ready and waiting for one. It was that little crib that spoke a message to me.

It was a message from the ladies of that class that said..."Little tired momma, we love you. We value your role as a momma. Yes, I know that there are awesome nurseries here at our church, but if your heart needs to keep your little one close....you can. We  know you need fellowship and the comfort of other women in these trying days of little ones. And we welcome you, and we welcome your little one. We know that she might make a little noise during class, but we don't care. Or she may need a nap during this hour, so we'll bring her a comfy place to sleep near you. So, come. Come on that Sunday morning when you can't decide if it's worth it or not; when your little one has cried all morning, or you know she'll want to eat during Sunday School. When you feel the tension of having to leave her again, just load her up and come on. We welcome you."

I've always been blessed women in my life who have encouraged me that way. It was a blessing in my life. I've had older women who have taken babies to free up my tired arms and who've taken them to the nursery or rocked them in the pew. Either way...their actions said "I value what you do as a momma, and even though my "baby years" have passed I will offer my hands to help, my arms to rock, or my voice to sing a lullaby."

To my ladies.... Rebekah, Bernadine, Ms. Wanda, Karen, Denise, Lisa, Debbie, Nancy, Becky, Jen, Helen, Cindy, and more.....THANK YOU!  

And to you sweet church ladies....on behalf of that momma and baby (whom I don't even know)..THANK YOU!

SUCH AN UNDERACHIEVER!

Recently, my husband and I were sharing a meal together with friends, and the subject of parenting and marriage came up. My husband said, "I think that the reason MY parents had such a successful marriage and family is that the just accepted the idea of an imperfect family."  Wait...What?? (SOUNDS OF SCREECHING BRAKES HERE!!) I asked him to clarify. "So you are saying that they KNEW and accepted the fact their family would be imperfect and were satifisfied to just do the BEST they could?"  I. CAN'T. EVEN!! For some reason it just HIT my like a ton of bricks. It seriously took my breath away! It was one of THOSE moments for me! Let me get this straight....we are seriously allowed to NOT freak out and feel like a failure if our family, our kids, our parenting, our mealtimes, our attempts at family devotions, our drive to church on Sunday mornings, our holidays, and our vacations are not PERFECT? Really!?!?!?!?!?! Why didn't someone tell me this along time ago! I mean, sure people say, "oh, no one's perfect." And I surely know that I'm not perfect. But I really, really thought that's what were shooting for each day! That every morning we get up and get a second chance to get it right this time...for everything to be PERFECT!    

I was so blown way with this news that apparently I  had a mortified look on my face.  So, he leaned over and laid a comforting hand my on the shoulder and said, "Honey, what' wrong? Is this really NEWS to you? Have I, as a husband and dad, made you feel like our family had to be perfect?"  Uhm, NO, I just thought you were an underachiever!! Seriously! I mean, I've wondered why he never joined in my obsessions about trying to create the perfect pinterest birthday parties, and coordinated outfits, and chore charts. I kind of just dismissed it as a "mom" thing.  I thought of how often I have run around trying to perfect and tweak every little thing that I see doesn't fit my ideal of perfection for our family. This, of course, is exhausting, disheartening, and frustrating....not to mention what it does to my tender little family members! I've been so put out that he hasn't been as overwhelmed and half-crazed by the task of parenting as I am! I thought,  I must have higher standards, or be more spiritual, or love our family more than he did, or he'd worry and stress, and control everyone like I do! But instead he just (read in a willy-nilly nonchalant kinda voice) 'goes about his day, trying to model the Fruits of the Spirit, and approaching each day with a view for what God wants him to do each day!' Oh, well, if we couldn't all be that spiritual!Oh if it could be that easy for all of us!!  

If you know our family, you may be thinking..."Duh, Angie, we all knew your family wasn't perfect!" I know! In fact, I have this sign hanging at the end of our hallway. When I hung it up, my teenage daughter said, "Mom, are you trying to console yourself, or convince yourself!"  So, it's not that I had just now realized that I wasn't perfect and my family wasn't perfect -- that I knew a long time ago! The NEW news is just how I get to feel about it! This whole new realization has left me quite dumbfounded...and secretly RELIEVED!  You see, I'd already come to terms with the fact that we are not the perfect family. I was delusional for awhile; then came child #3, #4, and #5!  That was the time in life that I felt like I"d been benched from the Varsity Team. I came to grips with that fact that we'd would NEVER have it all together, and I'd begrudgingly accepted the fact that I had moved down to the B Team, the Jr. Varsity! I struggled with wanting to push rewind and try again to make it perfect, and do things differently.  I secretly thought if I just practiced hard enough, or perfected a new strategy that I'd be able to join the A Team again -- with all the cool parents, whose kids were looked perfect, acted perfect, and changed the World as a result of their perfect parenting! 

But on this day, sitting in a Taco Bell in Ohio, hearing my husband describe his family....I had an epiphany. There is no B team! Just imperfect people in an imperfect family, serving a PERFECT GOD!! And I can even be PROUD of that!! PERFECTION is not even what we are striving for! Reliance on God is the name of the game. There are not Varsity Families! We ALL get a participation ribbon just for showing up everyday and giving it our best!! And that is the kind of league that FUN for everyone!! I finally GET IT!! (not perfectly, of course ;-)! I'm sure I"ll have to be reminded again!)  What a relief! And what an impact that's going to have on my TO DO List for tomorrow! 

Be PATIENT. 

Find JOY. 

Give GRACE. 

Offer MERCY.

Show LOVE.
Have FUN!

And it won't matter if my task list, or my dinner table, or my kids behavior is perfect. I will truly believe God when he says to me....

       "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect  in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,  so that Christ's power may rest on me. I   Corinthians 12:9

 

Be Strong!

What a great weekend in North Carolina with the ladies from First, Gastonia! We drew strength from each other, laughed together, cried together. What a blessing!  I plan to blog about our sessions when I get a chance....

Strength in Communion
Strength in Community
Strength in Crisis

Outlaws UNITE!

Outlaw. O-U-T-L-A-W. Yep, that's really our name.  Yes, I know, I have "outlaws for in-laws." Never heard that one before! The next question is always the fun one...."Where did your family get that name?" Uh, well as my husband would say, "When Outlaw is your name, you don't look too far back in your family tree 'cuz you might find someone hangin' from it!"  Imagine living in a foreign country and trying to find the proper translation for your name, especially in cultures where your name actually means something.  

We can go with the  literal definition.....

out·law 

1.

a. A fugitive from the law.

b. A habitual criminal.

                     c. A rebel; a nonconformist:  

Or we can hit the thesaurus.....

blackmailer, con, convict, crook, culprit, delinquent, evildoer, ex-con, felon, fugitive,   gangster, geurilla, hood, hoodlum, hooligan, hustler, jailbird, lawbreaker, malefactor, mobster, mug, offender, outlaw, racketeer, sinner, sinner, transgressor, trespasser, wrongdoer. Wow. And we wondered why our Asian friends frowned when we tried to describe our name, or translate it into their language. At least  people's expectations of us should be pretty low! Shouldn't be too hard to "live above your raising" with a name like that.  In some ways, ya want to run from a name like that.      I've decided that I 'm going to embrace definition "C" - rebel; nonconformist. If you know me, you know II've never been not much of a rebel. Mom momma just told me what  to do ...and I did it! It was pretty simple. I've even been called  boring. In fact, on my 18th birthday, my friends told me that I needed to "live a little" so they convinced me to sneak out of the house and go for a joyride. We turned off the lights, the engine, and actually pushed our car out of the driveway. We headed downtown Nashville with windows down, radio blaring having the time of our lives. My BFF leaned over to me in the backseat and said...."Ang, you are too relaxed, and having too much fun....did you tell you mom we were going out?" BUSTED! I begged her not to tell the others so I wouldn't look like a total dork! (I guess the secret's out now!)      And to think I'm the one who ended up known around the world as an Outlaw!  But if you go to Romans 12:2 being an OUTLAW is good thing; being a non-conformist is good!  Romans 12:2 ESV "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."          So, I'm embracing it! I'm going to get all my friends to embrace it! Rebels Unite!! I'm too old for the "sex, drugs, and rock & roll" cries, but there are still tons of ways  world wants me to conform!  Even in my middle age....you know i'm 40 now, the world tells me that this is MY DECADE! That it's about me, and my life, my time, and my stuff, and my comforts, and my little American dream! Usually rebellion is associated with ME-ism, and attitude of "what I want to do, when I want to do it, and you can't tell me otherwise!"  But biblical REBELLION, non-conformism is actually just the opposite. When the World tells us to be ALL ABOUT ME, we say..."no, no, we won't go."  Do not be conformed to this world. REBEL! Be an OUTLAW! It's a great name!

4 X 10 = 40!!

40. It's really a great number. It's not young. But it's not old, either. It's an even number. So symmetrical. So middle-ish. So half-ish. I've been married exactly half my life now. I'm probably right smack in the middle of my life, if I'm the average American woman. You can divide it into perfect 4ths...10 years at a time. Wow...my life from 1-10, 10-20, 20-30, 30-40. Looking at those decades is mind blowing. What's in store for this next set of 10 years. Will they be as unique, exciting, and challenging as the last ones? What will be? could be? might be? hope to be in the next 10? I can think of things that might be on the list, but how will they be? joyous? heartbreaking? certain? sad? glorious? graduations. colleges. weddings. daughter in laws. son in law. granbaby. books. moves. decisions. funerals. health. friends. Yesterday, someone welcomed me into the best decade of life! Let it be so. And let me handle each moment, each day, each year with grace.
   On this special occasion of the beginning of my 40th year, I'm going to try to make the most of that number! I thought about making a list of 40 things each day during my 40th year! But that's a bit much! I"m thinking that just 4 things at a time will have 10 times the time impact. (4 X 10 = 40).
    4 things I loved about my 40th Birthday:

• Birthday wishes from all corners of the world that reminded me of the tapestry that is my life -- local friends, co-workers, missionaries. people from childhood, former pastorates, friends of my parents (even though my parents are gone, they still remember me!), a bunch of kazaks and tajiks :-), relatives, step relatives, half-relatives, and adopted relatives. my twin. my AR bff, my TN bff, people I've loved, hugged, and even some I've forgotten. Thanks for not forgetting me.
•  Sitting around the very own backyard bonfire (my bday gift!) with  David and the kids. It's now affectionally called the "BONDfire" by Libby becuase it was great family bonding!
• Hope.  Hope that the next 40 years will be even more full and fulfilling than the last 40. Even with it's trials, it's what the Father ordered for me!
• My BLACK JACKET-  not spiritual, or meaningful. Just material. If you know me well enough to be reading and enoying this post, you'll know it's a big deal! It ends the search that I"ve had going for months now! I['ve been to every "fluffy girls" store this side of the mississipi hunting for one to add to my wardrobe! I finally found the blazer I wanted, and I bought it for myself for my birthday!! and wearing it right now!  A perfect accessory for the perfect birthday!

 

Let the games begin!

After 16 days of separation we are reunited. My husband, and high school sweetheart, returned from a mission trip last night, and I was like a giddy school girl. I wanted to hold his hand, walk arm in arm, and never leave his side. We've been apart lots of times before.  LOTS. Actually, there have been times I've felt kind of guilty that we could easily endure being apart. We have friends who have said..."oh, we've never spent one night away from each other in 20 years!" Maybe it's because God gave use the grace to endure because our circumstances demanded it, I dont' know. But THIS TIME was different. I'm not sure what it was; maybe I"m just different. But during our time away, I desperately missed his companionship and affection. I realized now that I tried fill that emptiness in other ways -- I bought more clothes, ate more chocolate, organized more closets, and drove my kiddos crazier than I ever have before! All I know is that during those last few days, I determined in my heart that from the moment he returned I was going cherish every moment with him more that I ever have before! It's only been 12 hours, but I've kept my promise!
   I also determined that I was going to add a marriage book to my reading list for this month. I downloaded the book Pastor Rob mentioned in church yesterday, Life Long Love Affair, by Jimmy Evans. And, of course, the FIRST words hit me between the eyes!
           "One of the ironies of contemporary family life is that many people who are good at intentional parenting are lousy at intentional marriage." -- William J. Doherty.
Wow. Yes. We spend an inordinant amount of energy working to produce (as if it's us, not God! but that's for another entry!) great, godly kids that we are often out of energy or ideas when it comes to our marriage. In fact, I think I've often bought into the idea that having good kids is proof of your good marriage. No more...let the intentional marriage games begin!

Circle it!

Not not long ago I read this book and I was fired up and ready to go! In the spirit of "Honi, the Circle Maker" I was ready to drop to my knees and cry to God in front of all the world the plans God had laid on my heart!  But......I chickened out!
 
   Why am I afraid? Is it a lack of faith? Is it a my conservative, non-charasmatic upbringing? Is it because I dont' want to cause people to stumble if I don't get the answer I pray for? WHY is it that I'm feeling this burning impression to CIRCLE a few things in my life and petition the Throne of God for those things, but I just can't bring myself to do it? I've been praying for years. Praising, thanking, petitioning God from the youngest days that I can remember. I even recall the conversion prayer I prayed on my knees by my bedside as a little girl. Even then, I trusted the my words were being heard by the God of the Universe who held all things in His hands.  But often, as I've grown older,  I have felt many times that my prayers were getting no higher than the ceiling, or that my words were just obligatory words that came from my mouth and not my heart. And God has been pricking my heart about changing that! he has led me to Scripture passages, and books, and people who are challenging me to pray like never before. So I pray and give all things to HIM.

     We've often used the analogy of a blank check. "Lord, we've signed our names, you fill in the rest." It's like handing God a clean slate and saying...."You write the story on it."   Then, when I look ahead for even ONE day, I realize that every step in my life is in HIS hands, and I have no control over it. Sure, it's by choice in some ways. We have given God the control, but we at least want Him to let us know what's in store! Everywhere I go, people kindly show interest in our family by saying...."so what's next for the Outlaws?" I have NO answer! Well, I do give an answer and it is "I don't know!" Where will you live next year? i dont' know. Where will your kids go to school? i dont' know. Will you return to KZ? I dont' know? Will you stay in Nashville? i dont' know. And I"ve come to understand that life for us is completely up for grabs, and honestly, it's okay. really....most days.
    So for today, I will remind myself of  Proverbs 16:3

   "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans. "

Establish our plans, Lord! But I'd love to know what you've got in store. I need a glimpse today.